I Struck Gold

*I've been giving a lot of thought to this post, as I really wanted to convey my true feelings about the subject. I sincerely hope that I can do it justice.


Six months ago, I went on a date. I distinctly remember the feeling I had when I came in the door at the end of the night, smile plastered to my face, drifting to the computer to update my status. "He took me for a burger...and it was the best date I've been on in months." Its' happenstance was completely a fluke. I was trying to diversify my dating pool and decided to give it a shot - what was the worst that could happen? I couldn't have known then just how very amazing that guy could make my life.

So now it's been six months. (Save a very, very unhealthy relationship from my past) This is the longest I've been with the same guy who lives in the same county as me. I struck gold. And.I'm.so.very.happy.


I've been very discreet in the cyberworld about my relationship with a certain Mister Bowen, somehow thinking I might jinx it, or let too much out of the bag too soon, but being that it's Mister Bowen's birthday today, I wanted to let everyone know just how incredible he is...and how happy he makes me...and how much I love him!

Jimmy gives me the freedom to be my independent self while allowing me to fall comfortably into that vulnerable place where it's obvious that I need him. He has also allowed me to express that silly, often embarrassing side of myself without the fear of judgment - and happily embraced his own silly side as well!

He is happy to let me run my life but quick to offer advice when I need it. He has been able to find that delicate balance between overbearing and uncaring - perfection. He carefully crafts his own decisions around what he thinks would make me happiest and I have never loved being so accommodated more!


He has endured numerous meals at restaurants he really doesn't care for, movies he would rather have never seen, and evenings spent at my work events taking pictures or picking up trash. His quiet support is priceless and he always does it with a smile on his face. He is an amazing cook, making me dinner often, and clearly seems to enjoy the process of making a meal.


Jimmy truly cherishes my company and is always able to erase every insecurity I allow myself to feel. If I were to name one flaw, it would be that he cares about me too much. He treats me like a queen and constantly helps me realize how special I am, both to him and to others.

When my car was broken into in September, after only having dated for one month, Jimmy quietly cleaned the glass out of my car while I began the process of canceling every card in my purse. He made sure that I would feel comfortable driving in it, even after I felt so violated. He truly has a gift for making me feel safe.


I know that my few words are just a small expression of the way I feel, but that doesn't discount their sincerity. Jimmy, I love you and I am anxious to see just what is in store for us down the road! I am grateful for who you are, and who I am when we are together! I hope you have the happiest of days today, and I can't wait to share many more with you!

Untitled 7.27

Carry her in your arms, and pretend you'll throw her in the swimming pool... She'll scream and hit you, but secretly she'll love it. Hold her hand while you talk. Hold her hand while you drive. Simply hold her hand. Tell her she looks pretty. Look into her eyes while you talk to her. Protect her. Tell her stupid jokes. Tickle her, even if she tells you to stop. When she starts cursing at you, tell her you love her. Let her fall asleep in your arms. Make her mad, then kiss her. Tease her. Let her tease you back. Kiss her cheek. Kiss her forehead. Just kiss her. Let her wear your clothes. Go slow. Don't force anything, and when you fall in love with her, tell her.

*Stolen from a friend's Facebook page

Red-Eyed and Blue

source: Le Love

No fresh man pain...just reminiscing over what could have been...
*Bonus points if you can guess the song I'm quoting in the title

Peggy is a Whore

I tried to think of some kind of profound thought to bring up this Valentine's Day, but it all ended up sounding bitter. I thought Peggy and Viola would suffice tonight.

It's been awhile since I was "a Peggy." In fact, I think it dates back to my days in kindergarten back at Nieman Elementary School in Kansas. I was a clean slate - my heart had never been broken, and there was nothing but green grass and beautiful sunny horizons. My outlook on love was one of immense potential. I had my eye on several boys, but only one really reciprocated (though I tried my hand with most of them anyway). His name was Brian Pepperdine, and, according to my mom, after my first day of school I came out to the car declaring that I was in love. I'm sure at that time, my mom knew she would have her hands full.

I don't have many vivid V-day memories. In fact, there have been very few years when I have actually been part of a "we" on February 14th. Beside the year I got a rock put on my finger (only later to give it back), I think one of my favorite V-day memories was a few years back.

I was working at Winger's in Lehi. Not my favorite job, but it paid the bills. I was lamenting the fact that I had to work on Valentine's Day, unable to make the mighty trek to Logan to be with my "boyfriend." The restaurant was slow, so Brittany and I had plans to hang out and do a girl's night. She was texting me throughout the night keeping very careful tabs on how busy I was and when I would be off. It was a little obsessive, but I figured it was because we were going to meet up after. I left work and met her at Chili's, where she had a change of clothes for me (another strange occurrence). I went in the bathroom to change, and went back out to sit with her and there he was - my long distance fellow. She had been in negotiations with him all day getting him to come to my neck of the woods for a Valentine's dinner. I was excited and quite touched that she would go to such great lengths to arrange it.

Since that year, there haven't been many ups or downs (mainly because I haven't allowed myself to let anyone else in), just existing in a nice switzerland of neutrality. It's probably not the ideal, but it's my existence, and as John Mayer put it, "I'm perfectly lonely." I'll save "being Peggy" for another year.

100 Things i LOVE Terribly

It first should be said that I am plagiarizing this from TWO different blogs. It should second be said that I am most definitely in need of a pick-me-up. This should do the trick.

My favorite Shark and the Rockstar Diaries gave me the inspiration, and I am merging the two ideas together to birth:

100 Things i LOVE Terribly
*In NO PARTICULAR ORDER*

1. John Mayer (the man, the music, the mystery)

2. Yoga
3. Driving with my feet out the window
4. Laying out by the pool
5. Reading in the shade on a blanket
6. Cafe Rio salads
7. Kids with type 1 diabetes
8. Working hard to find a cure for kids with type 1 diabetes
9. Laffy Taffy
10. F*R*I*E*N*D*S
11. Gilmore Girls
12. Grey's Anatomy
13. Sarcasm
14. My family


15. Sex & the City

16. Thunderstorms
17. So You Think You Can Dance
18. Concerts
19. Sleeping in
20. Kissing in the rain
21. Novelty books
22. Victoria's Secret
23. Retail therapy
24. Diet Coke
25. Fall vacations
26. Massages

27. Footloose

28. Iceberg shakes
29. Broccoli
30. Quaker Crunchy Corn Bran
31. iPod
32. iPod Shuffle
33. Little Caesar's Crazy Bread
34. MSN Messenger/gChat/Facebook IM
35. Facebook
36. the Beatles
37. Shakespeare in Love
38. Song lyrics
39. Hugh Jackman
40. Work
41. The beach

42. Baking

43. Flying on airplanes
44. Road tripping
45. Rollerblading
46. Michael Jackson
47. Movie theater popcorn
48. A Plethora of pillows
49. Naps
50. A good sweat
51. Burts Bees
52. Hard earned money
53. Birthday presents

54. Target

55. Chunky rings
56. Aromatherapy
57. Pencil skirts
58. Thanksgiving
59. Entertainment Weekly
60. Dark nail polish
61. Gerber daisies
62. Ryan Reynolds
63. Ann Taintor
64. The Weepies
65. Vintage
66. Skittles


67. the Jonas Brothers
68. Chocolate
69. Sunglasses
70. Lucky bamboo plants
71. amazon.com
72. iTunes
73. New music Tuesdays
74. Stars
75. The O.C.
76. Shopaholic books
77. Going to the movies
78. Lazy rivers
79. First kisses
80. Shoes
81. Bridal fairs
82. Sharpie markers
83. Apple Macintosh
84. Sudoku
85. Listening to music in the dark

86. My sissy

87. Longboarding
88. Eating out
89. Listening to music, full blast, in the dark
90. Finding new music artists to adore
91. Showing others new music artists to adore
92. Thinking about getting a tattoo

93. Chace Crawford

94. Meeting new people
95. Falling in Love
96. a Good Cry
97. Laughing until you cry
98. Mod Podge
99. Domesticity
100. Contentment

Lightning could strike

I saw the movie Meet Joe Black when I was a sophomore in high school. I fell in love with the movie immediately. It was later on in college that I fell in love with the content. I began compiling a book with magazine ads and photos that depicted "love." To compliment the photos, I began scouring the web, lyrics, movies, and books for quotes about love. To this day, this passage from Meet Joe Black still holds a certain significance in my life. I imagine this is what it will be like...

I want you to get swept away.
I want you to levitate.
I want you to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish.
Be deliriously happy - or at least leave yourself open to be.
Love is passion...
Obsession.
Someone you can't live without.
If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with?
Fall head over heels.
I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back.
And how do you find him?
Forget your head and listen to your heart...I'm not hearing any heart.
Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back.
Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this...
To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all.
You have to try.
Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.
Stay open - who knows...
Lightning could strike.

congratulations to the happy couple!

My sissy got married on Thursday. And what a wonderful day it was!

After quite the long weekend of self-inflicted stress, I got my mind off the pity wagon, and embraced the fact that I have two younger siblings that are married. I LOVE my family! We had a good time at the wedding, and I think, perhaps, my favorite part (beside Brian's ADORABLE niece) was that my sissy actually let go of the reins enough to enjoy the day. I didn't get a picture, but after the ceremony and the plethora of group photos, she sat down, put her feet up, and hung out with her new brothers-in-law and her husband. I was relieved and so happy for her. The kind of sappy happy you get watching a Sandra Bullock chick flick. Witness the smiles:

Ethan and I prior to the ceremony - can't tell we're related can ya?


Beautiful couple #1 - Paul and Marianne


Beautiful couple #2 - The Parents (looking happy as ever!)


Brian's niece, Avery. She fed me ice cream, and I nearly took her home with me

Congratulations sissy! You made a gorgeous bride!

New Music I {heart}

As a music junkie, I "waste" too much tine scouring the internet for new music. It's not just the internet either - I hear music on TV shows (most often Grey's Anatomy and One Tree Hill), on commercials, in stores, and on movies. I have also learned that Murray Public Library has a DANDY CD collection. I have found a new favorite site, TuneGlue, that explores relationships between artists. It is amazing! Once you enter an artist or band and click "expand," it branches out into a web of related artists. I highly recommend giving it a try sometime.

Since I'm lacking the blogging "creative juices" tonight, I thought I'd share a few new artists/albums/songs that are currently tickling my fancy. Some are older loves that have resurfaced, but most are new finds - doing a lot of play time on the old iPod.

• Rise Up by Ben Lee. This song is found on the not-yet-released Rebirth of Venus album and was featured on Grey's Anatomy last week. What a beautiful, delicate song! Not to mention the great scene it played behind on the show! Ben is a fab artist, with other such songs as Catch My Disease, Chills, What Would Jay-Z Do?, and Ripe. He even adequately covered The Beatles, In My Life.
• Paris by Benton Paul. Benton opened last Friday for David Archuleta, but exhibited a musical maturity of someone with much more experience. He was a joy to watch, and melted my heart with his talent (not to mention, he hails from Highland, UT)! He spent some time in France, and managed to crank out this beautiful song - "I learned to talk in French. I learned to kiss in French," he said.
  
• The Weepies iTunes Exclusive Live EP. I thought I had all there was to have of this fantastic mellow duo. The husband and wife have cranked out yet another great release. I would listen to The Weepies 24 hours a day. I know they're a smidge "easy listening," but once I heard The World Spins Madly On on Grey's (the gripping "bomb episode" in season 2), I was hooked.
• Half Acre by Hem - found on an insurance commercial (of all places). Another mellow band, using a lot of soothing piano riffs, and that oh-so-common indie woman vocal. This track even boasts a clarinet (now think if I had never given up - I could have been Hem's clarinetist - haha).
• Then by Brad Paisley. I'm not a country girl, by even the loosest definition, but this song quite nearly made me cry. He performed this beaut on American Idol a few weeks ago, and it helped me to see just the smallest glimpse of what my mom and dad, and numerous other long-time couples have in their relationships. Fantastic perspective!
• Duet by Rachael Yamagata. She has partnered with one of my all-time favorite male vocalists, Ray LaMontagne, to sing this beautiful arrangement. The vocals compliment each other quite well - it's a fab song for bedtime.
• Hazy by Rosi Golan. This indie gal was featured on One Tree Hill, and at the conclusion of the episode, I hopped on iTunes and downloaded the album immediately. Rosi features another uber-talented bearded vocalist, William Fitzsimmons. These two are some of my favorite finds of the new year.
• The Fear by Lily Allen. Lily is a fearless British pop star, with questionable lyrics. I love her. The Fear is the first single off her newest album, "It's Not Me, It's You" and is a great little ditty.
• Grizzly Bear's Yellow House album. No words to describe them. Favorite track? Knife.
  
• David Archuleta's self titled album. I know, I'm 26 and I shouldn't have so much love for the underage Idol, but after seeing the kid perform live last weekend, my heart is brimming with love for Murray's own superstar. I think I have listened to his album at least 10 times since last Thursday when I started prepping for the show. I don't even think I can denote a favorite track. Judge all you want, but you know you secretly love him too.

Check 'em out. You won't regret it...just let me know when you've succumbed to your musical coma.

Yes, I'm posting about Twilight...

I only saw Twilight one time in theaters. I wouldn't even have considered myself a "Twilighter." I was the first to admit that they hype surrounding the movie was completely out of control. I read the books out of curiosity, but finished the franchise out of obligation. One wouldn't guess this, given that I read the books in record time (on my scale, of course). When Facebook status updates and flair boards read "I'm looking for my Edward" I was thinking "Oh, please. Can't we get over the mythical vampire dreamboat?" I mean, really, how healthy can it be for teenage girls to be lusting after a blood-sucking, whimsical guy, when REAL guys bring enough problems of their own??

So, last night when i bought the DVD (yes, it was actually a "stop" on the Saturday to-do list), I was eager to get my second-take. I wasn't terribly impressed the first time around, but because my infatuation with Robert Pattinson has bloomed, I felt the need to give it another chance. It took me two tries to get through it (given that I started it at 12:30 am), but finished this morning with just enough time to make it to church. I liked it more the second time, but for different reasons than I thought I would. Having experienced a few handfuls of life since I saw it last November, I picked up a few things that I didn't before.

I love finding parallels to my life in movies, music lyrics, and TV shows, but I really didn't want to with Twilight. I was startled when two lines, in particular, struck me as pertinent - yes, the teenage vampire movie has application in real life! The first line is in the scene at the restaurant after Edward rescues Bella from the weasels in the dark alley. He says, "I feel very protective of you." I find this to be very endearing - and appropriate of any male/female relationship. Any good guy friend/boyfriend I have had has mentioned this to me one time or another. It is so important to me to know that the guys I am with feel the need to protect me. I'm one tough broad, and usually do pretty well on my own, but to know that someone else has my back, is truly a sign that someone cares for me.

The second line is in the hokey scene when Bella articulates to Edward that she knows what he is. He says to her, "You don't know how long I've waited for you." He knows that she is who he is meant to be with. I think we all feel this way at times - when we've met someone and the chemistry is just right. It hasn't happened to me more than a handful of times (with friends - girl and guy - and love interests), but you just know that you've met for a reason. I know, especially as single Latter Day Saints, we are constantly indoctrinated with the marriage spiel (as if we don't know that we should be getting married). We've all waited so long - and we will wait even longer, but I would rather wait FOREVER for someone who makes me feel this way than to settle for someone I have lukewarm attachment to.

Even in church today, Bishop Hanks taught Relief Society about dating and marriage and his wife mentioned that even in Twilight, Edward put Bella's needs above his own. He was always concerned about her well-being first and foremost - the same way that guys we date should be about us.

Oh, and did I mention, the movie has a great soundtrack??

So there you have it. I have likened Twilight unto my own life (as inappropriate or blasphemous as that is). Try not to judge too harshly. It was either this, or another post about how I'm losing a toenail due to my training. I picked this.

Brokenhearted

When I was a Freshman in college, in the bleak town of Ephraim, Utah, my roommates and I decided that each year we were in school, we would make a mix dedicated to love; a mix that would remind us of memories of the past year. That initial mix was called The Soft Sounds of Snow, aptly named for the college we were attending. It contained a wide variety of songs, and was, at first, meant to be a three-disc set saluting three different genres of love songs: kinky, classic, and contemporary. When we came to the realization that we didn't have the time (nor the resources - none of us owned a computer with disc-burning capacities), we decided to create one mix with the best of all three worlds. The content is almost laughable, now eight years into the future: Cupid by 112; The Distance by Evan and Jaron; Drowning by the Backstreet Boys; All My Life by K-Ci and JoJo. Each song had its own significance and place in our lives. We loved that CD - and even listening to it now makes me nostalgic for those carefree days when I would stay out until 4am, sleep all day, and DIDN'T have to work.

The tradition continued with alternative versions: Cache In (our first effort in Logan) and Half Cache (as I only stayed for one semester that next year). The track lists are equally as amusing, very accurately reflecting the music of the time, and genres painting a picture of the lives we were leading. As life continued moving, so evolved my taste in music.

This year when Nick asked me what songs I was putting on my Love Mix, I was stunned to tell him that I hadn't made one - and shockingly so! Immediately I went to work trying to compile lyrics and melodies to articulate my comprehension of love at this moment in time. The process wasn't easy. I have a healing heart, and a cynical one, at that. It still beats, but not to the tune of a "love song." You won't hear my heart pitter-patting to Unforgettable or Unchained Melody. Though I love those songs, my heart won't yet allow me to recognize that sentiment as love. Instead, the sad and cynical chambers of my heart have taken over: an underlying tone in the songs thusfar occupying the playlist "Brokenhearted." A sub-sample, if you will:

Light Years Away by MoZella: "It's almost like you had it planned. It's like you smiled and shook my hand and said, 'Hey, I'm about to screw you over bigtime.' But I don't blame you anymore, that's too much pain to store. It left me hefted, inside my head. And I think that I cried for days but now that seems light years away and I'm never goin' back to who I was."

Heal Over by KT Tunstall: "Isn't very difficult to see why you are the way you are. Doesn't take a genius to realize that sometimes life is hard. It's gonna take time but you just have to wait. You're gonna be fine, but in the mean time. I'm over hear lady, let me wipe your tears away. Come a little nearer baby, 'cause you'll heal over, someday."

How to Say Goodbye by Paul Tiernan: "He loved to say goodbye, and always counted out the time until he was free, to get up and leave to learn how to breathe again."

There are a few songs, however, exhibiting a sense of hope. Songs that were added despite the current state of the thumper in my chest:

Inevitable by Anberlin: "I wanna break every clock. The hands of time will never move again. We could stay in this moment for the rest of our lives. Is it over now? I wanna be your last first kiss that you'll ever have."

Somebody by Depeche Mode: "I want somebody to share, share the rest of my life. Share my innermost thoughts, know my intimate details...I want somebody who cares for me passionately, with every thought and with every breath, someone who'll stand by my side and give me support, and in return, she'll get my support...and when I'm asleep, I want somebody who will put their arms around and kiss me tenderly"

There are a few covers that I deemed worthy for the occasion (with surprisingly upbeat, romantic undertones): Coldplay's Yellow, as performed by Jem; Mariah Carey's Always Be My Baby, as performed by David Cook; and Don Henley's The Heart of the Matter as performed by India Arie.

So, there you have it - a small cross section of the 27 songs comprising the 2009 "Brokenhearted" Love Mix. I know I'm capable of better, but until my healing heart boasts it's umpteenth batch of scar tissue, this effort will have to make due.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

Love is love. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. Everything is, everything exists, only because I love. — Leo Tolstoy

It was February 14, 2003. I was not yet 20 years old. Still a teenager in the eyes of the world, and had just become, officially, engaged to be married. To a man (boy, really) that I had known for a whopping 3 months. I think my mom and dad thought I was crazy. Looking back on it now, I think I would have been crazy had I gone through with it. The rocky two months that followed were all I knew of being engaged. We were both young, very foolish, and lacking in life experience. His mother was convinced that I was a minion of Satan, sent to corrupt her first born. I've been asked if I thought I was in love - I don't think I was in love with SHAWN, I think I was in love with what he represented. I was in love with the idea of being in love. Gratefully, I never became a Bluemel (his last name), and moved on to greener pastures.

2 years later, still infatuated with the idea of being in love, I found myself leaving my cozy life in Logan to move back in with my parents, yet again, to pursue another potential fiance. This time I was sure it was for real. He wrote songs and sang them to me, he was an artist, he was sensitive, he had a game plan, he had experienced life. We had a great relationship devoid of any major fundamental flaws, or so I thought. So, when he proposed, I was startled at my inability to say "yes." Driving home, my eyes brimming with tears and my brain puzzling over each minute detail of the evening, I sought an answer for my cryptic behavior. Though we kept dating with the intent of an eventual marriage, I knew that I would likely be moving on again.

My perceptions of love have changed and evolved over the years. My life experience has shaped my views of what love really is, and what I expect out of a relationship. As a newly-engaged 19 year old, I was just perfectly giddy to be wearing a ring on my left hand. As a 25 year old, back on the market again, I realize there's more to life than being a Mrs. I'm quite a bit more picky in my "old age" than I was back then, and I don't hesitate to cut to the chase when things just aren't as they should be. Though I wouldn't mind having a Mr., or an alternative last name, I'm trying to find excitement in the chase.